And Another Thing: The Mop-Up Raw (Part II) 09.22.02
Posted by Hyatte on 09.22.2002
The Retrospective Continues... and the Douchebag hits his stride
This second section is where the real shit went down. In here, I kept getting worse and
worse until Scoops had to edit me down so hard that I bailed over to ScoopThis.
Evidence of the mighty Scoops edit is apparent by my frequent use of the word “arse” and
the myriad of alternatives to the word “bitch”. Without those creative edits, the column
would have been filled with “xxxx”s
Probably my best stuff is in here.
The Nitro column will be posted Monday night.
WASTING MY LIFE!!! (2)
-Quick shots of WWF stars in full suits walking into the Church. We also see tearful
members of the Hart family. They would have shown Bret in there....but those pesky
WCW Lawyers would have a field day with it...and something tells me that Vince may
want to start saving his money.
-What the Hell is Johnny Cochran doing there? Why that no good...dirty...ambulance
chaser....COULDN'T YOU WAIT FOR THE BODY TO COOL BEFORE SWOOPING
IN FOR THE KILL COCHRAN?????
-What the Hell is William Shatner doing there?
-WHAT THE HELL IS DON KING DOING THERE?????
-The segment ended with UT looking into the camera and mouthing something....being
one kick ass lip reader, I was able to decipher it..... "Ischoffbay, allcay emay on ridayfay!
Etgay emay outay ofay isthay ellholehay!" One could only dread what that cryptic
message meant.
-Christian came out from under a ring of fire.....which is the WWF's way of saying that
Christianity is the SPAWN OF HELL ITSELF!!!! THOSE BASTARDS!!!!!!! LEAVE
MY RELIGION ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-We Christians were the only ones who believed that the fellow who called himself Jesus
was the real deal and not some snake oil peddler........and what did we get in return? 2000
YEARS OF TORMENT, AGONY, AND EMBARRASSINGLY SMALL PECKERS.
-Not to mention a Bible filled with 9 million restrictions...Hell, technically we aren't even
allowed to piss without saying the Rosary 4 times.
-Vince is getting ready backstage...he's all buff and tuff....Arms by Weider....Hair by
Teflon... Oil by Patterson
-Then out came the Hoes.....only 3 of them....two of them were
EXCEPTIONALLYcute....the other one looked like a drunken Tommy Lee practiced
drumming, "Dr. Feelgood" on her face with his wonder shlong one too many times
-The match got going......then....much like any self respecting Ho.....Jarrett quickly went
down.
-Triple H came out with Chyna....who changed her name to "East Hemisphera" (Try to
top THAT Asya..you Smelly Goat!!!!)
-Smackdown is rapidly becoming “required viewing” for hard core wrestling fans. I
know I said this before, but dammit..I’ll say it again.....I cannot and WILL not watch
Smackdown because it’s up against GEIGER!!!!!!!!!!!! GEIGER IS GOD
BAYBEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! “Allo, my name is Aldo Montoya... ju kilt my father...
prepare to DIE!!!!!!!”
-The American fans started to chant “ARSEHOLE...ARSEHOLE”...or...if that is too dirty
for friggin' Scoops,.... “xxxxxxxx, xxxxxxx”.
-Foley found the Rock and told him that he thinks that they should break up the team,
because there were a lot of kids out there who needed his guidance, and the Rock is
almost good enough to make it on his own....he gave him some more encouraging words,
then a heartfelt, “You’re gonna be alright, kid”....Funny, that was pretty much the exact
same speech my father gave me before kicking me out.....his job was over..now it was
time for me to become a man......unfortunately, I was ONLY ELEVEN YEARS OLD
DAD!!!!!!! YOU SENT AN ELEVEN YEAR OLD OUT TO SURVIVE ON THE
MEAN STREETS OF CUMBERLAND!!!!!!!! YOU SCUMBAG!!!!!!!!!
-I stayed at a neighbor's house for 3 days......then Dad got horny again and said I could
come home....man, I couldn’t sit down for a WEEK.
-Footage of the Ross attack.....Cole can clearly be heard giggling like a schoolgirl
discovering the alternative uses for cucumbers.
-Mankind got on the stic and plugged his upcoming shot on the TV show.....then he told
Val Venis that he doesn’t like it when another man grabs his testicles. “I didn’t like it
when I was an Altar boy..and I don’t like it NOW!”
-Chyna came to the ring...I suddenly feel a resurgence in my lower regions.....
Oh..wait..it’s just my Herpes kicking in.....OWWWWWWW...freakin’ that’s what I get
for going with the $20 Hooker
-“Internet Wrestling Journalists”...what a JOKE. There have never been a bigger bunch
of petty little children. Of course, I EXCEL in petty little childishness...so I can keep
doing this for months. And I can get much...much worse. Just ask “Slymm”.
-JR thanked us for joining them and said that they were “privileged” to be able to deliver
this show tonight. Why that humble, numbfaced, little Marshmallow
-Ross called the New Age Outlaws, “perhaps the Greatest tag team in WWF history!!”
(Really? What about Rick Martel and Tito Santana? WHAT ABOUT STRIKE
FORCE?????????)
-With Bischoff gone...Maivia now has the whitest teeth in all of Wrestling.
-X-Pac beat Faarooq....90 pound X-Pac beat 250 pound Faarooq.... the VERY WHITE
X-Pac beat the SO BLACK SUNLIGHT IS AFRAID TO GET NEAR HIM Faarooq with
a little help from the JUST AS WHITE AND A REDNECK TOO Bradshaw. IN
ATLANTA??????????? That’s some brave arse scripting there..by God.
-I demand that Rick “The Dick” Scaia not only NAME these so-called friends that he
CLAIMS to always be watching wrestling with...but POST PHOTOGRAPHS of them
watching TV with him. Much like his purported drinking prowess, I find these claims of
having friends who could tolerate his know-it-all arse for three hours COMPLETELY
BOGUS!!!! Samuda does too...he just won’t come right out and say it.
-Jericho called Chyna “the greatest embarrassment this business has ever seen”
*COUGHjudybagwellmasterpgobbedlygooksteranythinghillbillyheroesofwrestlingtheblac
kscorpionthedynamicdudesanythingbischofftheyetitonyschiavonesemploymentCOUGH*
-By the way...the top rope became completely undone during this match and fell apart .
The Acolytes and the Outlaws were professional and worked around and through it.
Hogan would have stopped the match right there and called his agent.
-The Acolytes had Finkle in the shower room.....Bradshaw said 8 words I haven’t heard
since the last time I went to Confession.....“You got a pretty mouth on you, boy”
-ahh that Alan Thicke....he should’ve been the 6th Beatle.
-Of COURSE this is Providence....no signs that read HYATTE LIVES HERE.
Douchebags. I hate these people.
-Hey rednecks..guess what...THE NORTH KICKED YOUR CONFEDERATE
BUNGHOLES!!!!!!!!! THIS AIN’T YOUR COUNTRY MOTHERFUDGAS!!!! WE
JUST ALLOWED YOU TO STAY HERE!!!!!!!!!!!!
-The Godfather came out with Mark Henry and the very same gaggle of Hoes we saw 30
seconds ago. Bad haircuts, fat arses, saggy boobs.....welcome to Providence.
-sadly..I paid for lap dances by each and every one of those. The last one sat on my boner
and nearly broke the damn thing. Three of them will take it in the seat for an extra
$10....or lunch at McDonalds.
-GF asked if there were any “pimps up in dis house”? Yes, there’s one..he’s the Chief of
Police.
-Viscera got on the mic.....he said, “Hey, Hey, Hey....I’ve got a song to sing to youuuuu,
and Bill’s gonna show ya a thing or twoooooo. We’ll have some fun now...with me and
all the gannnnga....learning from each other.....while we do our thingggga NA NA NA
GONNA HAVE A GOOD TIIIIIME HEY HEY HEEEYYYY NA NA NA GONNA
HAVE A GOOD TIIIIIIIIIME!!!”
-Viscera beat the Godfather after Mark Henry interfered.....then Henry splashed a downed
Godfather. BROTHERS....YOU HAVE GOT TO UNITE!!!!!!!!!!!! God..where is
Faarooq when you need him....WE NEED THE NATION OF DOMINATION BACK!!!!
-Two girls stayed with GF as the rest left with the Brothers......which is two more than the
number of girls who stuck with me after Anthony Sasso made me strip naked and walk
down my street during rush hour with my 5 incher barely flapping in the wind...they went
with the Italian stud while I was left to run home bare arsed......YOU STINKIN’
SLUTS!!!!!!!! I HOPE YOU DIE, DIE, DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!
-Viscera then took the other one and powerslammed her. If he moved his hand just a wee
bit further south...we would have seen the world’s first living oven mitt.
-Viscera left, Providence booed him. Fakers..as if this whole state isn’t filled with
Homosexuals. Yeah RIGHT!!!
-IRONY OF THE NIGHT!!!! I hear Christian’s real name is “Ira Shwarzstein”. Upon
entering the WWF and getting his character , his Father quickly called and screamed, “I
HAVE NO SON!!!!”
-Sign seen that reads, “DROZ WILL WALK”....what a MARK!!!!!!
-Hell...I’d bang both Moolah and Young. I’d need a gallon of Grain Alcohol and a bucket
of bacon fat....but I could do it.
-video package detailing the Big Show’s anguish over the upcoming loss of his
father...Sheeeit...that ain’t real..when my Moms died..I danced on her grave then bought a
car with the Inheritance.......NOW THAT’S REAL!!!!!!!!
-The Big Show came out. I wish this “Cancer Angle” applied to my family...because I
really could use a bit of the “Motherly Love” right now......she really knew how to put
out. IT’S MY WAY OF HEALING PEOPLE!!!!! I’M SIMPLY HEALING!!!!!! MY
SCARS ARE MIGHTY DEEP MY FRIENDS!!!!
-We see WWF Officials tending to the Big Guy...there was no one to tend to me when my
Mother died.....I WAS ALL ALONE!!!!!!!!! I STILL HAVEN’T BURIED THE CORPSE
YET!!!!!!
-I got her in a closet......legs propped apart in case I need a quicky and don’t feel like
raping my hand.
-TBS refused Medical help and instead, went hunting for the BBM. Oddly enough, he
didn’t try the Locker room. Moron.
-Jericho gets to the ring apron and welcomes us to “RAW IS JERICHO” ...then asks who
will be chosen to be his partner for this joke of a match...he looked around...
-He dismissed one person as “too fat”
-He dismissed another as “ too slovenly”
-He dismissed another has having “poor dental hygiene”
-Geeze..so far, he’s describing every cooze I ever mounted!
-Suddenly, I just want to smoke some dope with a naked Matthew McConaughey
-Michael Hayes talked to Stephanie McMahon. Stephie says that her memory is almost
fully back and...well....she has some bad news for the family.... A: She may be preggers
B: It may NOT be exactly.....“Caucasian”
-I tell ya’...these Brit wrestlers have been POORLY ABUSED ever since Diana died.
-Test puts a move on the Bulldog...Ross called it “a sidewalk slam”....Schiavone would
have called it, “Can you believe the main event we have tonight, Brain”?
-Stephanie ran out...apparently, amnesia has not dulled her eating habits.
-Of course....being the “most popular wrestler in Rhode Island” means that I’m
WAAAAY more famous than him.
-This made no sense...why is Shane attacking his friends? I thought he was their leader?
It’s like the time when Freddie “Boom Boom” Washington took over the Sweathogs from
Barbarino.
-A loser at the Friendly Tap called Farooq a "Darkie". A “Darkie”? In my town??
Suddenly, half the houses in my neighborhood had “For sale” signs on their front lawn....I
heard someone yell, “Quick Irma..before property values skyrocket!!!!!!!” Oye vey
-Last week on “Smackdown”, The Rock got stuffed in a trunk. I thought JFK ended that
kind of discrimination?
-Oh..right...Richmond would only be the capitol if THE CONFEDERACY WON THE
WAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! COULDN’T QUITE PULL THAT OFF COULD YA’???? RED
NECKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GOD BLESS U.S GRANT!!!!!! GOD BLESS ABE LINCOLN!!!!
GOD BLESS FRIGGIN’ AMERICA!!! LAND THAT I FRIGGIN’ LOVE!!!!!!!!
-My God...I feel so patriotic...I think I’m going to take a big dump and wipe my arse with
the Confederate flag.
-Remember...shooting out your computer screen will do no damage to me.
-Nor will shooting your wife. Hillbilly motherf*cks
-The Rock basked in the cheers...Ross called him “the most electrifying sports entertainer
in the world today”....didn’t he say that about PN News too?
-Medical assistance was on the scene. Someone stuck a mask on The Big Show’s face
and told him to breath slowly....others were holding him down....Patterson charged in and
screamed, “DAMMIT, THE MAN NEEDS MOUTH TO MOUTH!!” Then tore his shirt
off for reasons that would make grown men shudder. TBS’s eyes widened and he
screamed, “NO, I’M ALRIGHT, I’M ALRIGHT..SCRIPT REVISION, SCRIPT
REVISION!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Pat squirted some Binaca in and moved in for the kill.
-commercials "Titan A.D." Apparently, the world ends and Japanese Anima had
something to do with it... this should surprise nobody.
-Ross, “IT’S A HARDCORE WAR!!!!!!!”...then put his hands over his face and asked
God why HE got stuck with this ridiculous career.
-Chyna comes to the ring with Miss Kitty. Chyna has a shirt on that says
“MASTER”....Kitty has a shirt that says “SLAVE”... I have a boner that says, “RUB ME
NOW”.....
-I did...no Genie came out.....something else did.....unless Genie’s are shapeless masses of
ooze and those pricks at Disney have been lying to us for years.
-Stephanie thanked her mom for helping her sort through her feelings towards Test. I’D
like to thank MY Mother for...for.....well...dying and leaving my a bundle. I DRANK
AND WHORED IT ALL AWAY MA!!!!!!! HERE’S YOUR LEGACY!!!!!!!
-Say...aren’t you Wade Boggs’ Brother? Douche Boggs? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-The Godfather condones prostitution, drug use, arson, and an absolute MERETRICIOUS
taste in Autumnwear....Heavens....someone call “E: Fashion Emergency”
PRONTISIMO!!!!! CODE RED, CODE RED!!!!!
-Excuse me? Are you not Mr. Nis? Phatpee Nis? YAW HAW HAW
HAWhaw.....haw...heh....h....eh?
-Road Dogg came out....he had something to say which I ignored. (I was fingering my
starfish)
-Saaay...do I know you? Yeah, you are Mr. Clicker? Riiight....Rich Clicker? May I call
you d.....*snicker*.....Di.....*snort*......Dick? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
-Oh yeah, I do make one promise... This column is a warped piece of
stream-of-consciousness crap that NOBODY is supposed to take seriously unless I make
it clear to do so otherwise. In fact, the biggest target in my Mop-Ups is, has been, and
always will be....me! I have portrayed myself, at one time or another, as a Racist,
Anti-Semite, Girl hater, Girl beater, Self Involved, Self Pitying, Ego Maniacal,
Ex-Convict, Homophobic, xxxxx, Perhaps Homosexual, Small Pee Peed, Sexually
Ambiguous, Alcoholic, A-Hole ...AND THIS IS A WRESTLING COLUMN!!!!!!!
-Backstage, some Police men managed to grab Vince and place him under arrest....next
thing we know, Vince is 'riding the bracelets' (I learned that phrase from Andy Sipowitz,
a miserable drunk with a heart of gold)
-Then Mae Young stumbled and Moolah pushed her into the cake....Mae jammed a hunk
back in her face..then gave Stephanie a little too..all the while groaning. All that creme...
all that moaning.....all that liquor....God..I miss those baths my Grandmother used to give
me.
-Dominik Hasek is in the crowd. For us nose breathers, we are told that he plays Hockey.
-My Mother....God bless her.....used to try to cover my eyes whenever a nude scene
appeared on TV. I WAS 22 AT THE TIME!!!!! She was so repressed....so friggin'
repressed....no wonder my Dad took to sodomizing me every night.....he needed a little
action.
-Then X-Pac said he was better in the sack than Jericho...Oh I doubt that...I've seen
Jericho naked (one of the perks I get from working for SCOOPS)....he is STACKED...
X-Pac..meanwhile, looks like a ferret.
-The Godfather comes out with six 'Ho's'....half of them look excited to be there...the
other half look like they'd rather be at a Web Master Convention dealing with a fat guy
with a lisp try to get them to give him some oral under the IMac booth.
-Still....Good Girls going bad is ALWAYS a turn on....like when Linda Gray was turned
evil by that Space Vampire on 'Buck Rogers'...I ruined a FEW pairs of underwear during
THAT episode by God!
-There is a pool filled with pudding off to the side of the ring....expect more of this if
Hillary wins New York
-The Hardy Boys come out. Terri is with them. Terri is wearing a fishnet top that
APPEARS to show her boobs, but they are actually covered. That ain't stopping me from
reaching for my tissues, in case the mood hits me.
-Oh...who am I kidding? I just use my dog to wipe it up.
-Oh..who am I kidding....my chair has more stains than Paul Reuben's underpants
-Meanwhile, Torrie was wrapped in a towel and shivering...I haven't seen acting like this
since Kayla did her shivering immediately after Jack raped her. The problem being that
these two were legitimately married, only Kayla wasn't putting out because she was busy
pooning Patch, who just happened to be Jack's long lost brother. Jack hated the idea that
patch was his long lost brother and raped Kayla after learning that his wife was getting
busy with this scoundrel. Kayla was fearful of telling Patch about this because Patch
might freak out and go nutso on the Brother whom he loves so dearly. meanwhile, Jack
would soon divorce Kayla and find true romance with Jennifer, Patch and Kayla (he calls
her 'Sweetness'...I tried that one night and was kicked squarely in the nuts for it)
eventually tied the knot and Patch even got a glass eye so he could look normal. Alas,
Patch ended up dying, did a stint on 'Santa Barbara', then ended up on 'General
Hospital'....yet nobody doubts that we have NOT seen the last of Patch. Meanwhile,
Roman isn't Roman even though everybody thought he was Roman and the real Roman
came back but he didn't last, Victor Kiriakus ruled and Stephano was a pawn of Satan.
Like sands in the Hourglass, these are the Days of Our Lives.
-Stephanie stuck out her tongue....I start licking my screen
-the show ends...suddenly, I'm licking the USA News Update guy......I'm such a homo.
-Ross plugged 'Western Union: The FASTEST way to send Money...Worldwide' I don't
know about that...I have several accounts to Asian Kiddie Porn sites that snap up my
Checking accounts within seconds
-Moolah and Mae come out...I think Ross stated that Mae was personally responsible for
the rise of Adolf Hitler...I was too busy admiring my rather large pecker.
-Snow mounts the top rope and tries to hang the Rock. QUICK, SOMEONE CALL
GENE HACKMAN!!! (whoa..talk about an obscure reference)
-Outside, Kane is pacing, Ross says he’s waiting for Torrie....I say he’s waiting for
Dominoes (“If that punk doesn’t get here within 30 minutes, I will cast his soul into
HELL!”....of course...compared to actually working at Dominoes...Hell might be
considered a step UP)
-Edge and Christian came out from the crowd...much like Wolverine....NOBODY knows
who they are....only that they have funky hair, one name, and are Canadian....oh..and
where Wolvie has Adamantium Claws, Edge has a Titanium Pecker....Christian has a
couple of fillings..but that’s it.
-Finally..if you succumb to public hysteria....and find your way to Cumberland, Rhode
Island...and see a man, 6 feet, 220 pounds...a HELL of a monster with a shaved
head...who is sitting on his porch with a baseball bat in one hand and a bottle of Jack
Daniels...identify yourself as a Mop-Up reader....do NOT make any sudden
movements....and maybe...just maybe..I’ll let you hang without braining you for trying to
steal my magic box...I’m going in FULL LOCO MODE BABY!!!!!!! IT’S A NEW
DAWN FOR THE WORLD!!!!! AND I’M GETTING MYSELF A PIECE OF IT!!!!!!!
-a piece arrived at Wrestleline about WCW debutting a "Wrestling Jesus" gimmick. No
author of the piece was given. Mike Samuda screamed that it was "A WRESTLELINE
EXCLUSIVE" which is a LIE. Dick Scaia assured us that he was NOT the author of that
"racy column", claiming that he is much too PC now that he's under Wrestleline's
umbrella. Well, Ricky, nobody thought you had the wit to write something like that
anyway (I'm still waiting for his "Deep Probe" parody page), and nobody doubts that you
are a total sell out. Let me assure YOU.
-opens with a Vince McMahon tribute to Martin Luther King Jr. Because you can't say
the words "Racial Equality" without the letters "W", "W", and "F".
-Opening things up, out came Cactus Jack. Wouldn't it have been nice if they went the
whole nine yards and called him "Cactus Jack Manson"? Then they could have ran a
show in France and do a bit where he hunted down Roman Polanski to finish the job.
Make that boy drop a load of "le crap" in his "le jeans".
-HHH said that he'd be happy to oblige. Screw it. It's either that or stare at Stephanie's fat
ass all night.
-oh it's not fat...she's a LOVELY girl. Down to Earth, pretty, well groomed, completely
stuck up, nose so high in the air that you'd like to chop off her head and put in a duffel
bag and mail it to your ex-girlfriend with a note in her mouth saying, "You're next!".
She's THAT kind of girl. Very sweet.
-Everything went orange, a big symbol popped on the TitanTron. A gravelly voice
coughed out stuff about "surviving" and "the Path of Rage". Isn't Tazz like, 4 feet tall? It's
gonna be a hoot when he walks out and Ms Kat is towering over him.
X-Pac wasn't thrilled with this (Fighting Faarooq on MLK Day? Why don't they just walk
through Little Italy with a sign that says "SINATRA TOOK IT UP THE ASS" on
Columbus Day?),
-Somewhere else backstage, The Big Show told some dude with a microphone that he is
close to celebrating his one year anniversary in the WWF. Then he broke down and cried.
-Then, Mae Young appeared on the ramp and watched this mess. You know the funny
part? This girl has exactly TWICE as many real hips than Roddy Piper! Chew on that for
a while as you contemplate life.
-Stephanie joined the Announcers. To say that she added nothing would be an
understatement! (Well, at least she didn't start screaming,
"YEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH" like her nitwit Brother.)
-Ross plugged some House shows. Including a show in Indiana at the "Canseco Field
House" Why the F**K is Jose Canseco getting field houses named after him???
-As far as Scott Keith goes? Who in their right mind thinks he can replace me? Jesus
Criminy... give me SOME credit. Here's a little guideline by which you can base ALL
your opinions on online popularity: If you have "Slymm" Shannon defending you... then
you ain't happening.
-I woke up with a horrible ache in my neck and lower back, and some white goo in my
throat. Either I accomplished something amazing or my dog got a little action for the first
time in years.
-Actually, I have it on GOOD authority that the REAL WM headliner will be The
Sandman defending against Yokozuna!! I don't know how they plan on pulling this off so
fast, but I trust my source! Of course, I can't tell you WHO my source is, but his name
rhymes with "Pal Flysacks"
-The Acolytes stomped to the ring. Bradshaw was on his cellphone and screamed, "SELL,
SELL", before hanging up. This guy is an Stock Market WHIZ!!! But, will he let the lure
of money and the cotton white body of Daryl Hannah corrupt HIS soul?
-Fat-you jammed Angle in the corner and was aiming his butt right towards his face in a
move I like to call the "Shannon Splash"...
-Terri walked away, some young thug at ringside made a grab for her ya ya's. I hear WWF
Security put him in a coma, THEN injected him with the Bubonic Plague. Mess with the
WWF talent and they WILL get religious on your ass!
-commercials. "If these Walls Can Talk 2", because dammit, our lives aren't COMPLETE
without seeing Ellen DeGeneros in a love scene!
-The Rock attacked the Brawler (sounds like something you'd find on the undercard of a
NWA territory card, circa 1950) on the ramp, looking to end this quickly.
-The Rock Bottom effectively piddled all over the Brawler's chances at a comeback. It's
back to Greenwich Village hustling Johns for a few shekels for the poor Brawler.
-The Medic asked when was the last time Mae had her period. She responded, 1957. That
means that Kennedy was still alive the last time she got wet.
-Ross said Smackdown was filled with handicapped matches. I heard that Chris
Reeve/Richard Pryor “Superman III Part 2 Wheelchair Death Joust” was a real hoot.
-Linda confessed that she probably wasn’t a good Mother to Stephanie. (See? I KNEW
that brief affair with Jose Luis Rivera in the 70’s would come back to bite her on the ass.)
-Snicker’s is bringing us Wrestlemania. Milky Way didn’t have the NUTS to do
it(*rimshot*)... but seriously folks...
-OBSCURE WRESTLING RULE THAT I REMEMBER AND YOU MTV/CARSON
DALY LOVING PUNKS DON’T!!!!! At the start of a tag team match, if you do NOT
touch your opponent, your partner can attack him from behind without being tagged and
become the legal man in the ring! So long as you never touch your opponent. I used to use
that rule ALL the time when I wrestled my pillows in the living room back in the mid
90’s.
-Afterwhich, Benoit and Eddie kicked Chyna around. A Mexican and a Canadian kicking
around an American Female? That sounds about right.
-The Rock talked to Michael Cole, although Cole was hardly a part of it. Rocky broke
down the family problems, adding that Shane’s dog took a crap on Stephanie’s rug and
Shane hasn’t had an erection for the last 8 months. (Really? Him AND Scaia?)
-anyway, Trish Stratus was walking backstage. Another fitness fiend enters the sport,
because Torrie Wilson is SO DAMN CHARISMATIC!!
-Back in the ring, Vince speared his son, I didn’t even know Vince was Jewish?!?
-I’ve had a few girlfriends over the course of my life. 8 of them in fact, plus my fair share
of one night stands, and 5 Hookers. I ain’t no cherry, that’s the Wrestleline crew.
-You know, a couple of years ago, CRZ and I kicked around the idea of doing each
other’s recaps, submitting them to our respective sites (Wrestleline and Scoops, for those
born YESTERDAY) and just see who caught on. While we both were supremely jacked
at all the shit it would stir up, (imagine the look on Scaia’s face when he received a recap
filled with insults about him.). For whatever reason, we decided against it. But, it would
have ROCKED for April first. It would have been different, unique, and MIND
BLOWING. Instead of someone trying something whacked like that, look at what we
get... Rick Scaia doing a bullshit news report. Yippee. It was not funny, not even witty. It
was pathetically obvious from the get-go. He could have at least tried to get Samuda to do
it, that might have been fun. But no, he had to do it all himself, and it was an
embarrassment to web guys EVERYWHERE. Then at the end, he yelled, "GOTCHA"!
Oy Vey. Shut the f**k UP!
-Fireworks galore. Burnt out vets duck for cover. Somewhere, a fatally wounded Tom
Hanks points to a young Matt Damon and says, "Earn this!" Damon says that he will, then
holds up a sign that says, "I BANGED MINNIE DRIVER!!" Ahh to be young, good
looking, and a Star in Hollywood. Lord, I miss those days.
-I never told you? I was the older brother in "E.T". Man, I had Hollwood by the BALLS
back then!
-One day I’ll tell you how me and Todd Bridges double teamed Natalie from "The Facts
of Life"
-Stephanie is "135 pounds"... (In zero gravity, sure)
-Ross says that Vince might very well be "Satan himself". Highly unlikely. Satan would
NEVER walk out without a tie.
-Vince, "Many of you have fake hair, fake teeth, fake boobs." (at which point his
hairpiece stood up, shouted, "That’s it, I’m outta here! And flew away. A pantsless
Patterson SPRINTED out of the back, turned around, spread ‘dem cheeks with his hands,
and yelled "COME ‘ERE LITTLE TROOPA!!" Needless to say, the piece did a U-Turn
and returned to it’s perch.)
-Vince said that Hollywood was the land of "Liposuction, facelifts, tummy tucks"... then
screamed, "WHAT KIND OF PEOPLE ARE YOU?? YOU’RE NOT HUMAN
BEINGS???" (This is the man who hired the Ultimate Warrior)
-So, Chyna came out and fired off her rocket launcher. Stephanie’s bowl-legged and
Chyna’s carrying the world’s biggest wonder rod. Man, Missy Hyatt would have had a
FIELD DAY in this company.
-She gave Eddie the Euro belt. Eddie was shocked, but he got into it and they hugged.
Ross tried to pawn the hug off as sexual, but I’ve held Shower heads with more affection.
-By God, I have the cleanest bunghole in New England too.
-Road Dog was in. He did his shuck and jive routine, then turned around and gave Stratus
a crotch chop. He turned around and Albert gave him a Daniel-San Crane kick. Dumb
ass, SWEEP THE LEG!!!!! DON’T GIVE YOUR SENSEI ANY LIP!!! JUST SWEEP
THE DAMN LEG!!!! NO OLD NIP IS GONNA EMBARASS THE COBRA KAI LIKE
THAT!!!!!!
-Once I put a Chicken Wing on my girlfriend. She was not pleased.
-So then I put a Chicken Wing IN my Girlfriend. The bitch brightened right up.
-Ross mentions that next year’s Wrestlemania will be in the Astrodome. In a related story,
Bob Ryder grimly announced that this year’s Starrcade will be held in Al Isaacs backyard
-Kurt Angle, who was so thoroughly disgusted with losing two titles in one night without
being pinned once, as well as being disgusted by fighting a Porn star tonight. So he will
wrestle this match whilst wearing rubber gloves. (Gotta be careful of them AIDS. Some
of these porn chicks have real estate agents set up in their chooch to handle all them
germs)
-Shane was working over the Rock. Ross snidely asked if he thought he was Roy Jones
Jr. Lawler asked, "Who?" Ross, "He’s a Boxer, King!! A REAL Athlete!! Unlike some
old fart who still walks around in tacky 70’s tights!!" Lawler asked why on God’s green
earth would Ross bring up Wayne Newton?
-Jim Ross welcomes us to Fort Lauderdale, then announced that Vince Russo has a
unique form of AIDS that CAN be sent through TV screens... (YAHH!!!)
-Footage that shows that WCW isn’t the ONLY wrestling company that goes for that all
important Trailer Park crowd, The WWF can build a fast little race car that goes around
in circles 500 times too!!!
-TBS hits the ring and grabs a mic. He said that Venis was packing a "USS Minnow",
while HE is carrying the "Big Show Titanic". (alas, the bad news is that the only women
that he can get to climb aboard his Titanic are computer generated straight out of ILM.
Alas, that may very well be the best line I can come up with this week).
-The Big Bossman and Bull Buchanon come out to fight the Rock. It’s a handicapped
cage match where the STAKES ARE LIFE AND DEATH!!!!!! (Bossman and Buchanon?
Oh for God’s sakes. Is the Nitro replay on yet?)
-Jericho also admitted to calling Stephanie a "the filthiest, dirtiest, most disgustingly
skankiest, brutal, bottom feeding, trashbag Ho" he has ever...EVVVER seen in his life.
(Boy obviously never met my Mother)
-Lawler claimed to have a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Ross shot back, "Well,
now you know how all those 14 year old felt after you told them to swallow!!!!" Lawler
asked Ross who pissed in his Coffee?
-For that matter, how come nobody uses the FULL NELSON ANYMORE??? Ken Patera,
Billy Jack Haynes, and Superstar Billy Graham in that Military Zen Monkey Phase he
used back in Florida... HAS THE DREAM OF THE FULL NELSON DIED WITH THE
GHOSTS FROM THE PAST???? (now, people, you just don’t SEE this kind of Old
School coming out of ANYONE else).
-Kenny P was BAD, back in the day. He gave Bob Backlund MAJOR headaches. Then he
pitched a Boulder threw a Mickey Dees and it all went downhill from there.
-Jericho handed the belt to Hebner, and took off quietly. Hebner re-entered the ring and
handed the belt over. HHH told Earl to put the belt around his waist. Earl proceeded to do
so. HHH, "Not around YOUR waist, you moron, MY waist."
-Linda McMahon was in the ring, ready for another line reading that’ll send us ALL to
Nitro faster than you can say "menopause".
-Ross, of course, lost it. "STONE COLD, STONE COLD, STONE COLD!!! FOR THE
LOVE OF GOD!!! THE RATTLESNAKE IS COMING BACK!!!!!!!!! STONE COLD
IS COMING TO BA...."
-Then Ross got very, very quiet.
-Suddenly, we hear Lawler shout, "CLEAR!!"
-The lights in the building, and the camera, flicker off a little, as if a great power surge
went through the grids.
-Ross finished, "ACK TO BACKLASH!!!!!!!!"
-Jerry Lawler said that "Fram" wanted to know when was the last time we changed our air
filters? Sorry, but I don’t wear underwear; unless I need to hide the bleeding.
-Lawler’s been selling chair shots before most of you were first scraped off the mattress.
RESPECT THE KING!!!!!!!!!
-Backstage, Chyna is dressed. Eddie is behind the curtain, complaining that his "teets" are
being pinched by his cummerbund.. Eddie steps out. Eddie has officially gone incoherent.
Why, if anyone in Mexico could afford cable TV, they would be crying right now.
-Trish Stratus is down to a thong. If RAW crucifies Nitro again this week, you can expect
Bob Ryder to weigh in with another installment of "RAW IS PORN" and explain to us in
great detail why we should skip this and watch Mark Madden eat Tony’s hair instead.
-Those were the most VOCAL Hoes I’ve ever heard. Usually, the Hoes I’ve met just lie
there and stare at their watch.
-Benoit tries something, but Jericho was there with a springboard Asai dropkick (you
heard me, mark-boy. I mock proper wrestling names! I don't give a FUKK WHAT IT'S
NAME IS!!! DEAL WITH IT!!!)
-opens with the end credits of "Walker: Texas Ranger"... it USED to be called "Runner:
Texas Ranger", but Chuck Norris’s running days are far behind him. He would have been
happy with "Spirited Trot: Texas Ranger".
-No, of course, they are in Baltimore, Maryland. Think they might have a "Corner" match
where the loser has to spend the week on a street corner where cigarettes cost 35 cents a
piece, everyone is a dope fiend, and Charles Dutton runs around with a camera asking you
what happened to your life?
-The Edge and Christian come on out to join the commentators for this first match. They
barely get a chance to sit down when Ross called their title defense the other night
"controversial". Edge insisted that they had won "fair and square" (as opposed to "Uneven
and Circular"?)
-Ross, "Miraculously, nothing was broken on Trish’s anatomy." Except for her hymen, of
course... but nobody is dumb enough to think that Buh Buh had ANYTHING to do with
that.
-Lawler chastised Ross for talking too much and not letting the champs get a word in
edgewise. Then pointed out the pun to Edge. Edge told him to go fu** another 4th grader.
(FIRE THEM SIX SHOOTERS COPELAND!!!!! KEEP ON SHOOTING!!!)
-E & C (HEY!! Do they work for Wrestleline on the side?) re-iterated their challenge for
anyone left to come and challenge them. Lawler asked if they had any tag teams left?
(sounds like a primo opportunity to bring back THE MIDNIGHT ROCKERS!!!! THEY
AREN’T RIPPING OFF THE ROCK & ROLL AND MIDNIGHT EXPRESS!!! THEY
JUST LIKE TO ROCK OUT AT MIDNIGHT, DAMMIT!!!!!!)
-I read that in "Inside Wrestling"... too many years ago.
-Ross, "Mr. McMahon is in the worst mood that I have EVER seen him in!" (well, not
counting the time Patterson hired the dancers for Shane’s bachelor party. Needless to say,
only one person there enjoyed Ramon and Manuel’s imaginative use of a Cattle Prod.)
-Now, Vince is a non violent man and Linda has lead a charmed life, being married to
him (Vince in the bedroom, "I’M COMING, I’M COMING!!! IT’S OVER!!! IT’S OV...
oh, wait a minute.")
-The Hardy Boyz came out. The lost those ultra tight, faggy shirts in favor of a pair of
snazzy "Hardy Boyz Rulz" tank tops. I’m sure their bank accounts will grow by at least
15 cents after those bad boys sell well into the dozens.
-One day, the WWF should eliminate the middle man and come out with a shirt that says,
"Here Mr. Bully, take my lunch money, I wasn’t hungry anyway. Now let me dunk my
own head in the toilet for you!"
-The Boys bring Hebner to Vince. Vince orders the two to watch the door and make sure
nobody gets in. Pat says, "I’ll sit on the knob myself, Vince!!"
-Backstage, Road Dogg and X-Pac card reads good as they explain to Vince why they
should get another tag title shot right now. X-Pac points out that last night was the first
time he bled since the morning he woke up in a Hotel room after Nitro with his hands tied
to the bed by a torn up old "Quote the Raven, Nevermore" T-shirt... and by God, it wasn’t
his head that was bleeding.
-Jericho put X-Pac in the Walls of His Namesake anyway. Road Dogg ran in. He nailed
Jericho. Hebner nailed Road Dogg right back. A swarm of WWF referees ran out. I
haven’t seen so much black and white mashing together since the time my family had a
faction of the Crips over to the house for Thanksgiving. Everybody got drunk... then
naked... my Mom let "C-Blow" make a rather unique use of the Turkey leg. Dad, myself,
a few Uncles and a few Cousins ended up bedding at the nearest Holiday Inn. We are not
allowed to talk about it anymore. On the plus side, the Crips were so touched by our
hospitality, we always got great deals on Crack scores. So everyone won.
-Here you got’cha high flying, rapid fire, in your face action that WCW used to revel in
back in the day. Ross referred to it as "Luche Libre style". Lawler said "Luche Libre?
What’s that?" Then he went on about the good old days when they could get away with
the half an hour headlock. Alas, Lawler’s idea of high flying is the Fistdrop off the second
rope... that no good bastard Bill Dundee lost MANY a match because of that!
-HHH produced what looked to be a Pool cue and started poking Rocky with it. (Reminds
me of the ‘NAM!!!! THOSE DAMN VIETCONG THOUGHT THEY COULD BREAK
ME!!!! THEY COULDN’T!!! I WILL NEVER SIGN THAT...THAT....)
-Oh who am I kidding. I signed the paper the first day I was captured. I spent my time as a
POW humping whores and eating Lobster! God Bless Ho Chi Mien!! DOWN WITH
THE CAPITALIST DOGS!!!!!!!! KILL NIXON!!!!!
-opens with the ending to "Walker: Texas Ranger", as Chuck single handily makes up for
the last 224 years by treating some Native Americans to a Country/Western benefit
concert. Next week, Chuck goes to Compton and ends Racial Tension with a special
concert by Hootie and the Blowfish... and if the Rolling Sixties should get all uppity, well
Chuck ain’t above handing out a few cans of whup ass.
-I hear USA canceled "La Femme Nikita"... and just as I was getting used to never
watching it.
-So, HBK comes out. I find it eerie that Jim Ross knew that HBK was on his way back
even before HBK did? Rumor has it Ross also knew that JFK would get whacked in
Dallas, but he was a Nixon man. (DAMMIT JIM!!!! CAMELOT FELL BECAUSE OF
YOUR DAMNABLE POLITICAL TASTES!!!!!!!)
-Sign declares that "HBK IS GOD!!" Well if THAT were true, then why would he need to
retire at the age of 34? (Oh, wait... Jesus was 33 when HE "retired"... okay, point taken.
HBK’s our Lord.)
-Out comes Vincent K. McMahon, looking happier than Rosie O’Donnell at a Women’s
Golf Tournament.
-Stephanie, "Can you imagine that... Bulbous... Smelly... SWEATY... Bottom in my
Pristine... BEAUTIFUL face?" (Hey, that reminds me... A BELATED HAPPY
MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL THE MOM’S OUT THERE!!!)
-Angle got on his stic and said that the stinkface "sickened him". He admitted to not even
know how the move got started (Two words: Brooklyn F-ing Brawler).
-It just occurred to me. If it weren’t for wrestling, how many of you would even KNOW
that there was a place called "Samoa"? I sure wouldn’t.
-Ahh, Pillow Wrestling. Once I defeated my Queen size, hypo-allergenic opponent and
won every title World Class Championship Wrestling had to offer. I did this while my
neighbors watched from their windows, unbeknownst to me. It took roughly half a day for
my entire High school to hear about it. Which is why I never got laid until WELL into my
20’s (Parents and Grandmother notwithstanding)
-Michael Cole stumbled on a top secret meeting between Vince and Chris Benoit. Cole
asked Benoit how he plans on dealing with Gay Marriages in Canada? Benoit stared at
him for a good 10 seconds, completely astounded. Chris ain’t exactly Mr. Improv.
-HHH then said, “I’ll tell you what turns me off...” (WAIT!!! Let me guess... shady
photographers who refuse to sell the negatives? Farm Animals with poop stuck to the
hair around their chutes? Douchebag recappers who keep hinting at these cryptic events
from young and foolish past? WCW Live?)
-The Undertaker starts off by saying, “In all my years here, I don’t think I’ve ever seen
quite so many assholes gathered in one place!” Now, I find it hard to believe that after
TEN YEARS, he has never been to even ONE of Patterson’s legendary “Fourth of July
Clambakes”? (God Bless Pat, man... how many times has he saved my column?)
-If Trish’s vag had razor sharp teeth with a taste for flesh... I’d STILL DO HER!!!
-The Hardys launch an offensive with a pair of leaps over the top rope. Ross called them
"Suicidal Leaps" Silly Okie... he should know better. Of course, they are called "Non
Springboard Enziguri Mahatmacoat Flaming Pits of Hell Dives" (open your mouth and
ACCEPT IT!!)
-Trish took a swing at... one of them. He caught her and shoved her down on her ass. She
bounced right back up without using her arms or legs... I WANT THAT!!!!!!
-Road Dogg is just walking around, minding his P’s and Q’s when he comes up to a door.
Someone appears to be locked inside the room that the door leads in. Road Dogg slowly
opens the door and walks into a dark room. There is a scuffle. The door slams. The door
flings opened and Road Dogg is tossed out. He hits a wall, then drops down. For some
reason, I’m thinking... Corey Feldman?
-The Ref and Holly fought over the chair. Jericho ran out and clubbed Bob from behind.
He grabbed the chair himself and knocked Holly with it. The bell rang. Benoit and
Jericho bickered about this. Holly tried to use the chair again. Benoit ended up clubbing
Holly with it instead. Holly ran with Benoit and Jericho chasing him. Thus, the score
now reads, America: 100’000’000’000’000’000’000’000’002... Canada: 1
-Rocky comes out. Two different signs agree that “C.I.C.C. SUCKS”. Is that anything
like “M.A.D.D”? Because if it is, then I’m against it too!! (If it weren’t for drunk driving
Mom’s, I would have been born in a Crackhouse.)
-And now, my impression of Jack Nicholson working at McDonalds... “YOU CAN’T
HANDLE THE BIG MAC!!” Thank you.. too kind, too kind. Here’s Jack ordering at
Burger King, “I want you to hold the Whopper between your knees!” Oh, thank you... no,
no, too kind. I love you all, but the love of my life, is the Mistress called Comedy!
-Backstage, HHH tries to butter up to Linda. Linda calmly explains that his smooth
charm and bedroom eyes really only work on the girls who still have their Monthlies...
and lonely men from Canada named “Pat”.
-There’s that sign again saying “AL IS GAY”... I’m telling you he’s NOT!!! AL
MOLINARO FROM “HAPPY DAYS” IS NOT GAY!!!!!
-Sure, he’s a Pedofile, BUT HE’S NOT GAY!!!!!!
-Backstage, DX, the McMahon Boys, Gerry Brisco, and Pat Patterson are huddling. After
some frantic whispering, and assurances that Brisco has a camera, Vince claims that
something like this “has never been done before.” (Don’t tell me? An ACTUAL
SURPRISE DRUG TEST??? I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT!!)
-Trish Stratus brought out T & A out. Don’t worry, Ross swore up and down that Trish
and Val were only having a BUSINESS ASSOCIATION... they weren’t “bumpin’
uglies”... so you losers can still sit at home and pretend that she’s available and willing to
even talk to you.
-Lawler announces that "Fully Loaded" is coming in a few weeks. It’s at the Reunion
Arena in Dallas, Texas. Produce proof that you are one of Fritz Von Erich’s illegitimate
kids, and they’ll give you a free foam Rock hand.
-HBK said that he ran into Bret Hart in line at a Bank. He said he tapped Bret’s left
shoulder, and as Bret turned to his left, HBK snuck by on his right and gracefully cut
ahead of him in line. As soon as HBK made his deposit, the Teller slammed her shutter
down and Bret was left with his mortgage payment in hand, staring at a CLOSED sign.
HBK danced away. Bret started to fumed, "YOU SCREWED ME AGAIN!!!" Friggin’
HBK.
-HHH compares this feeling with a "cancer inside his stomach" (Funny thing... that was
almost going to be my Birthname... if my Mother had her way)
-The WWF is sponsoring a racecar. A Special Olympian asked me if I would sponsor
HIM in his track meet. I said I would if he washed and polished my car. He did. When he
came back for my signature, I threatened to call the cops on him for trespassing. He ran
like Hell. Hyatte: 1... Special Olympics: 0
-I DEMAND to see the “5’000 questions” Rick says that he already has stored for his
“Ask the Rick” column. I don’t believe that line of bull for one second. I doubt there are
even 5’000 viable questions you can ask about this ridiculous sport.
-Cut away to SCREAMING fans who were... well, SCREAMING in the WWF New
York Restaurant... apparently, they caught wind of just exactly what was in the “Owen
Hartdog” (the man’s been dead a year and I still ain’t giving up.)
-They lock up, Eddie slips behind Benoit, takes and elbow, is thrown against the ropes,
jumps and rolls over Benoit, is up like a cat, builds a time machine, forgets to carry the 3
in a critical math equation, ends up building a sliding machine, slides into a dimension
where Octopuses have taken over the World, defeats the King Octopus by jamming a big
rock in his inkhole, saves Humanity, slides into another world where Kari Wuhrer is
considered a good actress, bangs her until her appendix bursts, slides back to the present
day and turns a Benoit Sort-of-Powerbomb into a Hurricarana, then follows up with a
Tilt-A -Whirl Backbreaker. Hot Damn!
-Backstage, Mick Foley tried to pick up the Cactus Plant that HHH knocked down. He
caught a thorn. He said “PRICK!!”
-at that moment, Patterson arrived. Mick looked at him and said, “Pat, I was just thinking
about’cha!”
-Pat begged Mick to end the match tonight between Shane and the Rock. Mick mulled it
over... decided no... then banged his gavel on Pat’s thumb by accident. Ross laughed
harder than the day MLK was killed.
-The match began with UT plowing right into Edge. He whipped around and threatened
the referee, who dropped to the ground and begged for mercy. Throw in some Anal
Nitrate and ya might as well call this show “FATHERHOOD: HYATTE STYLE”
-UT gave Christian a HUGE powerbomb that Ross dubbed “The Last Ride” (he
WOULD have called it the “Last Train to Clarksville”... but no one ever profited from
getting Davey Jones angry.)
-UT gets on the stick and admits that he’s not about a lot of talking these days (As
opposed to being a real chatterbox back in the “Deadman” days?)
-No, he’s not a talker. But when someone pisses him off, there will be Hell to pay. (I
always wondered, how much does “Hell” go for anyway? In American dollars?)
-UT hopped down. Angle tore ass up the ramp. UT mounted his ride and roared up the
ramp. Angle dropped the Scooter and took off. UT stopped at the Scooter. Got off it.
Took the Scooter, and shoved it off the ramp and down onto the cement. (Ross, acting
like this was another Hell in the Cell, “MY GOD ALMIGHTY, MY GOD
ALMIGHTY!!! HE KILLED IT!! AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, IT IS BROKEN IN
HALF!!!!” Then Ross broke character and demanded that Medics get off the butts and
get out there. Then he insisted that they “stop the damn match!”)
-Stuffherfacey came out with her Chick strap. From what I understand, half the Internet
wants to F-her doggy style with a handful of her hair in their fists while the other half
wants to “take her out on a Romantic evening and treat her like a lady”... this is a good
way to tell which Internet writer has been laid in this century or the in the one behind us,
and which ones haven’t.
-We are reminded that Mick Foley is currently explaining the art of a Democratic
Political Machine to those Chinese Mouth Breathers. If Foley achieves World Peace, I’m
stowing myself away on the next shuttle to Mars.
-At the top of the entrance, Richards tell the crowd, and us, that we don’t know what’s
best for us, but he does. Crowd calls him an “asshole”. Ross starts his speech about
censorship, and Anti-American behavior. Then Ross screamed, “CHUCK HESTON
FOR PRESIDENT!!!!!!”
-Sign spotted that says “PTC” with a slash through it. What the Hell is wrong with a
“Parent/Teacher Conference”? HOW ELSE ARE WE TO GIVE OUR KIDS THE BEST
EDUCATION POSSIBLE??? THE JAPS HAVE THEIR 12 YEARS OLD CURING
CANCER ALREADY!!!!
to be concluded next week...